Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Dude just wanted a popsicle…