“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?