“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please