To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’ve had relationships like this
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
181.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.