i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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I need better friends
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.