People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.