BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
fair
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me: