10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.