Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Left at a local drug store…
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Me, reading some of your tweets
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.