Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”