4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.