Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
This is true.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.