Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Y’all know who you are.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.