Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
#Caturday
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*jazz hands*