And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
You Might Also Like
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Close call…