Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Noah
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories