Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
North and South
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Free him
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…