“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The Weeknd is back
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me if I was a dog
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Only short people can save us
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.