Me if I was a dog
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My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Hmmmmm
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass