My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.![]()
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.