[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
what the
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.