choose your fighter
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My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.