I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
You Might Also Like
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.