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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Kids: Stay in school.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life