this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.