Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
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Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
no
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.