@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

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@DanMentos

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

@TheDjinnTrials

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@dulcetry

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

@Reverend_Scott

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

@SamSykesSwears

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

@jjhartinger

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

@charliedelta7

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

@slaughthie

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.