My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.