Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.