caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail