I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to