If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.