Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?