Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
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[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this