Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Perfect
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.