Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
(yawn)