some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
You Might Also Like
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Jupiter
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?