If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Social distancing in Australia:
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign