Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.