Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Only short people can save us