2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
This is my cat’s medicine.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*