Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.