Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
respect
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Is this a threat?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy