Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You Might Also Like
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Grandmother clock.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is