lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”