me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say