Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit