“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The photographer’s assistant
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day