Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN