Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
me and who
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said