Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
*seductively eats two tums*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband