Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.